An Overwhelming Response: What “Coming Out” Has Taught Me

Wow. I hardly know what to say.  I am astounded by the response my seemingly insignificant piece has generated.  I would be lying if I didn’t say that part of me seriously questions whether I made the right decision in being so honest and open about where I am right now. I would also be lying if I said that I haven’t shed more than several hundred tears over knowing how that post is going to inadvertently hurt people whom I love dearly, and potentially cause a ripple effect in many areas of my social and personal life.

When I wrote that piece for The Cultural Hall I honestly thought that it would just fly under the radar like so many other posts I have done.  I figured that there would be some backlash, some criticism, and maybe even some support, but I never expected what actually happened.

Within mere minutes of the article being posted, my inbox began to explode with messages of people whom I have never met telling me how much my story was their story too.  I was dumbfounded. I had people sharing and re-sharing, people telling me that they were going to give my post to their friends and family as means of “coming out” of their own spiritual closet.  It was…surreal.  I had no idea that there was such a vast population of people flying just under the radar of our culture and of our faith.  These people have come out of the wood works to show their love and support. I am humbled…I am overwhelmed…I am so very grateful.

I know that there are a lot of ex-Mormons and ex-Mormon forums and groups out there.  I know that there are also a lot of people who are very angry at the Church, and if they had their way, would probably like to see it burn to the ground.  Those people are very loud about their opinions, maybe not to the world in general, but sometimes.

There are also those who are so extreme on the other side of the coin, that in their attempt to express what they believe, or “help” someone who is struggling with their faith, actually end up alienating the people they love even more.  These people also speak boldly and often very publicly.

There are extremes on either end…And then there are those of us in the middle…Not to be confused with “fence sitters”, though I am sure some would categorize us as such.

I wish that I could post some of the comments I have received in private, and maybe once I have had a chance to get the proper permission I will.  But for now, I would like to try and summarize or to give a general theme to what I have learned within the last 24 hours.

1. There are SO many people out there in this Boat

I mean…I just…I can’t even begin to tell you how many people have written to me already saying that they totally identify with what I wrote.  This is stunning to me, though perhaps it shouldn’t be.  It is probably human nature to think that we are so unique and special that we must be the only ones ever to feel the way that we are feeling in any given situation.  In this case however, I find it refreshing(?) to know that I am not that special.  It’s not a “misery loves company” sort of thing, it’s more of a”I know that feel” sort of thing.

Like I said earlier, it seems as though it is those on either end of the extreme that get the most air time, and this can lead a person to believe that those are the majority, or even that a person must or can only be either one way or the other. Either you must be fully in, or fully out. Either you Know it’s True or you Know it’s false.  It makes me think of the whole God wants you to be either Hot or Cold because if you are Luke Warm He will spit you out, and then I feel bad because I would prefer a Luke Warm or Middle Ground to an Extreme any day of the week. Which leads me to…

2. There are SO many people who are Happier on a Middle Ground

First let me say that “Middle Ground” is relatively subjective.  You can be middle ground in the church…out of the church…on top of a church…in a box…and with a fox, though I don’t recommend listening to anything he says…It’s mostly gibberish.

I know that we all hear that we are unique like Snowflakes, but at the same time, there is a huge pressure coming from many directions telling us to conform.  Whether it is Social, or Cultural, or Religious, or Familial we all have someone somewhere telling us who should be, and then reminding us when we don’t live up to that standard.

In the letters I have received so many people talk about feelings of not being able to be totally genuine, and the pain that this causes them.  They tell me how brave I am for having the courage to be who I am. To be honest, I don’t feel brave, I feel like sometimes being who you are is dangerous.  I feel like sometimes being open about how you are different from the norm sets you up like bowling pins for people to knock down.

Life is funny right? I mean really. Do you ever just stop for a moment, take a step back from Facebook and Social Media and think to yourself…What the heck are we all doing? Why are we trying so hard to scrutinize and regulate one another? Why do I care what so-n-so thought of such-n-such? Why does it matter that what’s-his-name had salad for breakfast or that who’s-her-bucket just got a tattoo?

This whole experience has taught me that sometimes we take life way too seriously, and coming from a complete basket case such as myself, that is saying something.  Maybe it is just part of growing up or growing older, but it would appear to me that for every extreme voice barking so loud that your ears hurt, there are probably 10 other spectators watching in puzzlement and then going about their normal, moderate, middle ground lives.  You are never going to hear from these people because they feel no need to “bark”, as it were.  These people might very well be the majority, but it doesn’t appear that way because they mostly keep to themselves.  So for any of you who feel as though you are drowning in a sea of extremes, let me assure you that there are more that are with us than those that are with them.

3. I’m not the only one Confused about the word “Know”

Again, don’t know why I am surprised by this, but I’m not the only Mormon who has gotten hung up on the word Know.  I don’t think the problem is the word, just the meaning that each person gives to it.  Some people (like myself) can be extremely literal in our approach to life.  If we say we Know we mean it in the most literal sense. I know I exist. I know if I put my hand on a hot stove it will burn me. So when we see people stand up and say I Know the Church is True, we assume that they mean it in that same literal sense…and maybe they do. But sometimes when people say Know what they really mean is Believe, or they mean Know like, I Know that my Boyfriend/Mother/Wife/Child Loves me. They may tell you they love you, they my give you evidence of that love through action, but ultimately whatever love they have or don’t have for you will remain knowledge only they posses.  In this case, our faith in combination with the evidence leads us to say we Know.

There is nothing wrong with any of these interpretations.  The problem is that there are more than one definition and so when one person says Know and it means something different than when another person says Know then this can lead to one person feeling like the other person is lying, or that they are somehow less than for not Knowing, or that if they don’t Know the way someone else Knows it means that they Know nothing at all and must therefore frankly throw out the entire baby with the bathwater.

You Know?

Perhaps there is a better word out there to use. But honestly…I don’t see that problem clearing up any time soon.

4. There are SO many people who are Terrified to “Come Out”

The reasons are as personal as the people giving them, but over and over I got letters that went something to the tune of…

Dear Brittney…You don’t know me but I just wanted to tell you how much I identify with what you wrote. I am in the exact same boat, but for (insert reason here) I cannot “come out” about my doubts/concerns/loss of faith/beliefs/unbeliefs.

Over and over again, person after person and it made me think…

Regardless of the reason, these people are all feel as though it is NOT okay for them to express their true minds and their genuine hearts.  I know some people won’t understand this, but the very fact that it is happening means something.  It means that there are good people out there, trying to live good lives, but for whatever reason feel as though they cannot truly be who they are.  They feel like if they were to be totally honest, they would be punished in some form or another, or they would have something they love taken away from them, or they would be shunned, or judged, or abandoned.

Regardless of whether or not the Church is true, this makes me very sad.  If I have one wish for humanity it is that we can come to a place where we can look at one another regardless of color, creed, gender, nationality, or belief system and say, You’re OK. Like Martin L. King said when he talked about “Children not being judged by the color of their skin, but rather by the content of their character”.

I know it’s not that simple…But I wish it was…I really do.  I really wish that we were all able to see past the labels and the classifications, and the categorizations and just…Love people, really Love them because they are good, and kind, and gentle and because they make no demands of how we live our lives and so we extend to them the same consideration.

I’ve started ranting again. I apologize.

I guess I want to close by addressing those in the Middle, because I don’t think that anything I have to say will matter to those on the extremes….

You are not alone.  There are so many good and decent people out there who are just like you.  It is okay to follow the dictates of your own conscious. It’s not only okay, it is your God given birthright. Trust yourself. If you feel as though you have a personal relationship with God, then trust that, and trust wherever it leads you.

Don’t be afraid to be exactly who you are.  I understand that sometimes it isn’t as simple as what it sounds… In fact I know it’s not. Knowing it’s not easy, try to be as genuine as you as you possibly can.

Understand that there are always going to be those who will never understand…No matter how eloquently you plead your case…No matter how much you make them feel understood first…No matter how much you love them, or they love you…And try to find a way to someday find peace with that truth.

This life you have been given is fully yours to do with it as you see fit.  Be grateful and honor those who laid the path before you, but don’t feel obligated to walk step for step in their footprints.  They had their life, now you have yours, and only you get to say what that life is going to look like, taste like, feel, and be.

Your choices might hurt other people, and sometimes those choices include simply being who you are, but know that anyone who is worthy of your love will return that same love and acceptance that you show them.  If they don’t, then you must try to find a way of accepting their reality and then moving forward with as much authenticity as you can manage.

When you think about it, Christ said it all when He told us to simply Love one another the way we would want to be loved.  It’s so simple, yet all of the truth in the Universe seems to be contained within it. Show Love, Be Love, if others can’t or won’t love you, then it’s okay…It really is, it doesn’t mean anything about you or your level of worth, truly, it says more about them than it does about you.

You are going to make mistakes…Hooray!!! Welcome to being  fully human.  Those mistakes are not the end of the world, they may cause you and others pain, but they are how we learn and grow, and discover our authentic selves.  You aren’t perfect, not even close, and by that I mean you will never be able (no matter how hard you try) to be %100 of anything all of the time, and the good news is, you were never meant to be.  You know what is right and wrong. Purposely hurting others regardless of your justifications is wrong. Loving people regardless of who they are is right….Everything else, is kind of up to you to decide…How exciting…How immensely frightening…It means you are responsible for your actions, for your choices, and yes…for potentially getting it “wrong”….But maybe you get it Right. And maybe there is no Wrong…Just your unique story…your journey…your heart…your mind.

I know it’s scary, I’m scared too.  Sometimes I am so scared that I stay in bed crying pools of tears onto my pillow, but then the tears eventually stop, and I take a deep breath, and this odd sense of calm comes over me and tells me that one way or another, everything is going to be alright…Everything is exactly as it was meant to be…

Acceptance…This life is about Acceptance. Acceptance of ourselves, acceptance of others, acceptance of faith, of the things we can’t see, of the things we hope for, believe, want, dream…Acceptance of Life in whatever form it takes. It’s going to be Okay…One way or another.

Thank you for allowing me to share my journey.

Featured Image Hartwig HKD